Choose People Who Choose You

I received a question in my ask.fm inbox several days ago, it’s still left unanswered until now. The question is so simple, I know what my answer right away, but the thing is I don’t know how to answer it without sounds like a pathetic and sad person. The question is “Do you have achievement that is so special to you but you consider it as something ordinary for others?” The answer is, friends, I have friends now. My Squad. Hehehe see? I already sound pathetic right? But trust me I’m not, don’t see me as one, well I used to. I’m a very happy person right now, I have people that I can proudly call as my best friends, and in my language you call it “Sahabat” they are more than just friends, much much more than that. They are your people, people that only one phone call away. You can cry all you want for the silliest reason and they will cry and laugh for you.  With you. I have those kind people in my life now. They are not related by blood with me, so they don’t have to, they are there for me on their on will.  

Back in the days, I was a lonely kid. People don’t get me, they see me as an alien so it’s natural for them to alienated me, I used to hate them for doing so, but not anymore. They don’t get me and I totally get that. It’s not their fault or either mine. It’s hard for me, considering that I’m growing up reading so many books about friendship and their adventure, how they stick together no matter what. I basically learn how to be a good friend from Enid Blyton’s book and also from Tom and Huckleberry Finn from The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It’s hard because there’s so many book I’ve read Romanizing friendship so much.  I remember reading The Famous Five and how I wish I had friends like Dick, Julian, Anne and Georgina, thinking it must be fun, thinking they might be never feeling lonely. Growing up another book do the same thing, I still recall how I read Hamlet by Shakespeare and all I can think of how lucky Hamlet to always have Horatio who’s for him endure the pain being the last survivor just so he can tell Hamlet’s story to the world, yes I just call Hamlet lucky.  I also recall reading Wuthering Heights and wonders how can people missing the point and only focus on Heathcliff and Cathy love story, not like Romeo and Juliet who just met and somehow falling deeply in love (God knows how and why?) Cathy and Heathcliff is best friend before they are lovers. They grow up together and no wonder they have such intense love for each other, I mean who want’s to lose a best friend? The list goes on and on, most of books containing friendship, the best one and movies do the same thing too. Like maybe… Harry Potter? Don’t you wish you had friends like Harry, Ron and Hermione? No wonder I feel so miserable.

People often thinks that it’s just how I am, that I like being left alone, what they don’t know I want to scream “Please be my friend, please try to understand me, please bare with me, because it’s difficult for me” at the top of my lungs. I watch how my sister’s friends come to our house stay all night, having sleepover or how on every weekend there will be bunch of kids coming to get her and she will running outside and all I can is watching it from my window asking myself why can’t I have that? I ask my sister once, how do I get myself a friend? She said “I don’t know… be  less weird maybe?” How the hell I’m supposed to do that? Then I start to learn how to make friends like I learn science, it’s all about observing, observing, observing then imitate. I observe how my sister smiles, laughing, talking with her friends. I start to mold myself; I call myself a great pretender, because I’m a top-notch imitator. You know what? I finally have friends. I put all their birthday date on my calendar, and I’ll be the one who say congratulation first. I laugh on all kind of jokes. I’m the nicest friend ever; I’m the best one you could ask for. But I grew tired. I’m tired. I don’t like being around them, I’m not me, what I am none other just a perfect imitation of my sister. Maybe I am somehow different. Maybe I am weird. But can I be weird and still have friends? Can I just be me and somehow they still love me?

But you know what? The answer is yes, I can. Well the numbers of friends who being around me are of course thin out. Not that I’m blaming them, it’s hard to deal my stubbornness, my sharp mouth, my mood swing, my meltdown, my unrelated ramblings. But those who stay are the keepers. They are those kind of people who coming to my house wants to play and then I tell them to go home just because I hate they are coming without telling me first and I’m not in the mood to play (no, I don’t have anything to do, I just don’t want to play) and they are okay with it. They are kind of people I can call in 2 A.M just because I feel like to. Whom I can comfortably be mad at just because they are 5 minutes late from our appointment, those who on the same class with me but totally understand when I said I don’t need a chair mate because I like to sit alone and not act weird about it, they are those kind of people who know that I am sad and need my alone time they words are “Do as your wish, cry, yell… or just be silent all you want, when you need us we are here.” Those who keep me safe from so called “normal people” by telling me when to shut up and talk when I’m in public.  I cherished them beyond words and they fully aware of it without me have to telling them.  Turns out you don’t have to change (but I do learn how to tolerate people, little by little) when you are somehow “special” God also set you with “special person” who can accept you no matter how ridiculous you are sometimes (or most of the time? Hehehe) I’ve read somewhere that “You are not for everyone and that’s OK.” It’s true, it’s okay. I’m okay.  

I dedicate this post for my squad (You know who you are…) and those who are in journey to find their own special squad. As for my squad, I know our adventure maybe not as challenging as the famous five, but for me it’s just as fun. Thank you, thank you, and thank you for being there despite all of my shortcomings.

PS: Making this set, inspired a lot by Netflix series Stranger Things and also Korean drama Reply 1988. Both show us a priceless friendship and how each member is different than the other one and that is what makes it interesting and fun. Also, inspired by all the colorful Exsport bags that I’m using, it’s always fun playing with colors.

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