I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. ~ Pablo Neruda

So, I sat in the same spot, my favorite spot for years and years. Same spot, every 2nd Friday every month. The man who sat in front of me is also the same man. He's never changed, always nice with a very soft voice, so soft, I often have to say, "I'm sorry, what? Can you say it again please?" or I just say, "pardon?" and he will repeat what he just says. He must have thought I need to go see otolaryngologist or something, while I think he needs a mic or speaker. (I think that's why he was getting paid to listen) The smell of his office room also keep the same, scent of lavender (I once said to him to change it into vanilla because lavender makes me sleepy, he said he will, but he never do) I only noticed he changed his dust bin, it used to be small red dust bin and he changed it into white and bigger one. The same thing that never change is also the topic of our conversation, I've got to be honest it's been so dull and boring. He's probably thinking the same thing. Our routine opening speech is "so how's life Evita?" and my answer always "hmm ... same old same old ... nothing much." EPIC. He then will start asking questions about home, school, my grades, my work, my sisters, do I have hyperventilation in the past two weeks, panic attacks or how do I handle crowds? I always know the session is going to end when he finally asked "do you have anything else you like to tell me or ask me?" and I mostly answer the questions with "no ... everything is fine, I'm bloody hungry can we end this now?" and he will laugh like always. I love constant things and I'm a rigid routine person, but this is boring even for me. I know this is wrong, but my mind always wandering around when he talked to me. I am sometime imagining how he is outside this office, what kind of father he is, is he always this wise? God forbid I have psychologist father, I will never stand having father who will always try to read me like a card, scary as hell.

Perhaps it's so boring he decided to change the topic or this is might be just the time. This time he opens our conversation with "Well, look who will turn 16 this year!" with a louder voice, bigger smile and stronger handshake. I just smiled at him. He then asked me bunch of questions like, what's my plan for birthday/new year eve and all and he told me he was planning to go to church with his family and have dinner afterwards. I just answered "sounds awesome..."and I have this feeling he just trying to bait me from one question to another to ask this question "so 16 right? How's love life? Any boy? Or.... any girl?" I thought he's supposed to have poker face all time, I mean ... he must have been heard crazy things all the time, but I can find amusement in his face. Now, that's new. I laughed and asked him "what? Nooo ... do you ask.fm-ing me all this time too?" He looks confuse "no ...what is that?" it took me a while to decide to tell him or not "it's just this website where you can ask things ...well ... you don't want to know..." I'm trying to be as vogue as I can because he looks interested. "So do you ask or answered?" "answer mostly..." he now really looking excited "that sounds so great, tell me more, what kind of question?" Now I wish I could take my words back. "That's why I thought you're on ask.fm many question about boyfriend and things like ... do I like girls? And, stuff" Now I'm cursing myself and the fact that I have zero ability to lie "and if I may know, what is your answer?" I laughed because I know he will ask that "That ... I'm not into that kind of thing right now ... I'm so confused why people seem so obsessed with love, if you asked me ... love sound so much like a curse. I can't imagine myself thinking about one person all the time, a person that will have so much power in me, to make me happy and of course to hurt me, that sounds like absolute bollocks." He smiled then add "You say all this thing because you're never in love, when someone found the one, the universe will somehow look different Evita, you will think differently, you will surrender somehow. It's true that he or she will be your Achilles heel, but you will see there will be nothing you can do about it." "Like Superman and Kryptonite?" He smiled wider to my question "No, like Superman and Louis Lane" "Why Louis? Kryptonite is the one that can kill Superman" "Because for Louis, Superman doesn't care about kryptonite, he will do just about anything for her ... it's not Kryptonite, it's Louis." I laughed, see it's scary, love.

Just when I thought I escape from all of these awkward questions, he jab me with another question. "So really, no one?" I answered with hard nod "no one... that I'm sure of" He laughed again and ask more (well of course) "what do you mean? You need to tell me more..." I was thinking, there's no way I can escape this, he's too interested about my love life and my zero ability to lie isn't helping at all. "Well...There's this one guy... he's my neighbor's nephew, come here only for holiday. He's so quite and I like that about him, we only nod at each other every time we accidentally bumped to each other. I asked his name first when I was outside and he was taking his uncle's dalmatian for walk. You know when people told you that you will like guy who can give you comfort? or that some sort feeling? It's doesn't work like that for me, he feels like dark Japanese movie, so boring, slow, gloomy and quite, not many words and very minimal movement, but I like that about him. Story short we found out that we have similar taste on books, musics and movies. I love how he read books more than me, how we have different perspective on things, which is new to me, most of boys just always agree to whatever I'm saying. We debate about simple things like if "Lolita" word are found before or after Vladimir published his novel? Simple things like is Humbert Humbert love for Lolita is a sin or forbidden love? Is he a sick bastard or just poor old man? Things like that. We also shared things about our self, I found that his father is a professor, his mother is a housewife and his sister is temporarily stay in Indonesia for study and he come here to visit his sister. When he asked more about me, I asked him how long he will stay? he said only three weeks and then I shared all my deepest secrets because he will take it away back to his hometown and my secrets will be safe with him." I paused. You should see my Doc's face, he must be so confused because I talk so much. I take a sip of water. He told me to continue, so I did. "Week two... He called me Fuka Eri, -my very own Fuka Eri- that's how he called me, because he told me that it's like Murakami make that character based on me, funny because after that people keep telling me the same thing. He even asked me wear a long hair wig. One night, three days before he's leaving I told him, I think I like him..." I stop talking because I think that's all the story I need to tell, but my doc's so persistence and asked me to continue he so curious about his answer of course. "He just laughed at me, and messing up my hair... he told me... here's his words ~No you don't like me, you just like the idea of me, the idea of having boyfriend who will live thousand miles from you, so you don't have to deal with real romantic things, you don't have to deal with your friends nagging you to have boyfriend. If you really like me, you will cry right now asking me not to come home, but you are as cold as your true self to me. And don't you dare telling everybody that you have your broken heart because of me, because you are not, but I am, because I do like you and one day my Fuka Eri will be someone else's ~ Then I asked him, can I at least tell everybody about our story as my first summer fling and he said it's okay. I didn't go to the airport when he was leaving because I have school,  but the night before he's leaving he give me a note, he wrote --I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too-- It's a poem by Pablo Neruda, never knew about him before and now it's one of my favorite."  

Do you know what my doc's word? "wow" just wow said with a very low voice. He coughed a little and added "So do you like him?" I shake my head "I have no idea...Maybe he's right" he asked again "When he leave, are you sad? Or cry?" He takes his pen and paper, I hate it when he do that. "Sad, but no... I'm not crying"

He then give blablabla about I'm having a great progress and all that crap, if have summer fling a progress then when is the finish line? When I'm married? fantastic, just fantastic. He added "if one day you found the one, you should really come to me and tell me more about it..." I don't see why I should so... I asked why is that necessary, he answered "because in your case, once you found the one, you will most likely be extreme about it, you will show your feeling to your object of affection strongly and more noticeably than other people normally do, that's why I need to guide you, but don't worry this is normal for you." I laughed so hard because it sounds so stupid "Normal for me? But not normal for normal people? What do you think I will do? Stalking? build a worship table? Send creepy message -- If I can't have you, then nobody will -- " I swear from the look of his face he seriously think I might do that. "You may not go all there... but you might, well this is happen in many cases with people who have asperger... you will give him intense stare all the time, you also might keep calling him rapidly, which not really normal in our society... " If I'm a cartoon character you'll see my jaw drop to the floor, I can't believe he's serious. If you ask, do I worry about it? well I do, when you found out that you have high potential of being creepy stalker you'll understand.

He continue ( to torture me, hahaha) "So back to my first question... what's the answer?" I try to remember his first question, "what? how will I spend new year eve?" He shake his head and laugh "No.. I asked how's your love life? Is there's any?...."  of course I'm confuse, I just give him details of my so called love life. "I just told you..." He cut my words "No... No... I asked is it boy? or girl? What is your preference" Of course I ask things you all might have in your head "What? Why do you ask that?" He answered "Well because, as female with asperger there is some traits that you might have, and one of them is you may have many androgynous traits, even in feminine one which you are not, they most likely will think their self as half male or half female or you can say, you see yourself as well balance anima or animus. So looking the way you're dressed (I'm wearing ripped jeans + leather jacket) of course it's intrigued me to ask, I just want to let you know it's all normal for you. So what is it? your preference? Boys or girls? " Oh, he and his curious eyes. Well this is interesting... "Hahaha... this will be another long story, do I have enough hour to tell you?"


~ To be continue to another post, because right now I'm to sleepy to tell the rest of my story, plus I need to ask someone first is it okay to share our conversation, just want to make sure I'm not violating any confidentiality agreement or something, hahaha.

Jacket : Sheinside

T-shirt : Bershka
Pants : Zara 
Shoes : Jeffrey Campbell / Rococo